This post is for me! As I sit here this late hour of the night, sleep escapes me. I worry about our court date on Wednesday. Yes, I said worry. I know what the bible says about worry, it can't help me. Yet I do it. I'm reminded of Paul when he says he does the things he doesn't want to do but doesn't do the things he wants to do. In other words, he knows better, but he struggles with it anyway. It's the same with me. I know better, but here I sit.
Racing through my mind all the scenarios that can happen Wednesday and all of them not good. My faith that God will answer our prayers is minimal, so I know in some ways I'm hurting our chances. My son, his faith is renewed. As I spoke with him this evening I was encouraged with his attitude and hope in what God can do for him. He believes that God will answer his prayer, and that he will get out of jail early. Our attorney says his chances of early release rides on the opportunity we have to present his request and my testimony before the judge. I'm nervous, I know we have a 50/50 chance of even being heard. And if granted an opportunity to speak on behalf of my son, I'll have very little time and I'll have to be quick. The truth is... the decision to release early will not be given because of my testimony or the words from the attorney that pleads his case. The decision to release early will only come from a judge that has has his heart softened by the power of God. Plain and simple... this will only happen if it's God's will for Eric. I know God can do it. But will he? Am I afraid to ask because of the many times in the past that I've been disappointed that my prayers were not answered? Maybe so. But I know better. I feel like this is test of my perseverance, I truly feel like I'm being tested. I sense that Jesus is asking me... "Why do you doubt, oh you of little faith?"
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked, "You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread?
He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
My son tells me that if you ask anything in the name of Jesus, it will be given unto you. My intellect tells me that my request needs to be the right kind of request. I mean I can't just simply ask for God to release my son can I? That would be greedy on my part, only seeking to serve my wants and desires, wouldn't it? Or could this verse really mean that God will give me what I ask for, if I truly believe that God will and can do it. I'm scared... because I believe that God can do it, but I don't believe he will. I hate myself for this struggle within me, and I don't understand why it's happening. I thought my faith was stronger than this.
I end this post to fall on my knees in prayer asking for God to forgive me for my little faith and lack of trust. Lord forgive me! I also ask, in the name of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, to soften the heart of the judge that hears our case, and please Lord, please allow our son to come home. I leave this in your hands and may Your will be done. No matter what happens Lord, I commit to always love you, to always sing your praises, to worship you. I love you Lord Jesus. Amen.